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Mud Puddles?

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5/12/2016

Today was the first REAL Summer day that I can remember, since like my childhood. The feeling that something had ended and something new and refreshing was waiting just down the road. As my friends and I packed up my Mom’s minivan and prepared for our day at the park, it was just so nice to stand back and breath in the warm air with the sweet scent of mown lawns jumbled together with flowers and sunscreen.

We laughed, my God did we laugh. About this and then about that! We ran and walked, jumped and laid down in the shade of oak trees while the hot sun beat down all around us. We were protected however, from anything that could hurt us. Deep within our flanneled bunkers with bees over head and ants underfoot.

Then to tie together a perfect day, we built that bonfire high and watched the smoke dance between the stars.

I love you guys and thank you for a glimpse back into my childhood.

 

 

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Lost in Space.

You step out of the little metal box,
Gently falling until your boot catches the solid surface.

Condensation beads on the glass,
Your intake of air laboured from excitement.

The radio statics into life as Huston asks for updates,
Words pour out faster than they ever have before.

Seemingly weightless they float effortlessly,
But from your lips they are quickly swallowed by the void.

I know that frightens you,
But have faith.

You had to go,
To find yourself amongst the stars.

Never feel pale in comparison,
Because as you float up there. .

You shine the brightest.

“Moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars.” – J.R.R Tolkien

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Stop Light 1-12-2016

It was just another morning, much like every morning. Eight o’clock alarm screeching from across my tiny night stand. Crusty eyes pried open against their will, and a sigh of disgust as I reach up to silence the blinking plastic monstrosity. Another morning of a cold shower followed by a cup of bitter lukewarm coffee. A quick packing of lunch into a brown paper bag as I pull out another dingy grey suit that was probably once black. Another suit that I do not fill in completely, I guess that’s the problem with borrowing your Dad’s old suits.

 

  1. Lace my shoes.
  2. Grab my lunch.
  3.  Open the door.
  4. Forget to grab briefcase.
  5. Greet the bitterly cold March morning.
  6. Start my little grey hatch back.
  7. Jog back inside to grab briefcase.
  8. Finally get inside car.
  9. Adjust mirrors.
  10. Turn on heat and hope to God it decides to work.
  11. Reverse.
  12. Look right, Look left.
  13. Pull out.
  14. And off we go ladies and gentlemen another day in life.

 

As I am driving I notice I am going to be late if I don’t make every light. Three lights down, two lights to go. Of course I don’t make the first light. It turns red just as I pass Coffee Joe’s, I hit my breaks and they screech into life. I tap my fingers against the steering wheel as I notice a brand new sports car glide to a stop behind me. A beautiful brown haired girl is behind the wheel. Glance up, still red. Glance back she is applying a fresh coat of lipstick and inspecting her long curly hair in the mirror. I sigh a breath of longing desire. She is beautiful, like wow. Wow. Wow. wow. WOW. Beautiful.

 

I am lost in this dream like trance as a quick !HONK!  splits the silent morning air. I crash back to reality and notice she is looking at me and I glance forward quickly to notice a green light. I hit the gas a tad too hard and I hear my tires spin as the little car lunges forward. I could swear I see her laughing as I look in my rear-view mirror. I drive forward. She turns left. And from there I get to work four minutes late and pull into my parking spot. What a great start to a great day.

 

beeep! beeep! beeep!  The sound of my alarm erupts into a seemingly conscious life form whose sole purpose  is to rip me out of my dreams and back to a dismal reality. I slam it silent with my fist as I pull myself out of bed and again into my morning routine.

 

  1. Lace my shoes.
  2. Grab my lunch.
  3.  Open the door.
  4. Forget to grab briefcase.
  5. Greet the bitterly cold March morning.
  6. Start my little grey hatch back.
  7. Jog back inside to grab briefcase.
  8. Finally get inside car.
  9. Adjust mirrors.
  10. Turn on heat and hope to God it decides to work.
  11. Reverse.
  12. Look right, Look left.
  13. Pull out.
  14. And off we go ladies and gentlemen another day in life.

15.) Hope I see her again.

 

Leaving my driveway I find myself actually wishing that the girl in the little yellow sports car is at the light behind me again. I drive for a few minutes, down Lincoln Dr., turn right at Keller Ave., pass Lil Pastel’s Pizzeria ( somewhere I find myself dining alone far more than I would like to admit), and finally just passing Coffee Joe’s and yes! A yellow light that admittedly I slowed down a bit more than necessary to stop at the now red light. I crane my neck back to see any glimpse of yellow. Nothing. Damn. The clock on the dash reads 8:53 a.m. I could easily make it to work on time if I make the next light, again I look back and yes! I catch sight of yellow speeding down the deserted road towards me. I look up and I notice the light is green but I figure I have waited this long I could let it go until red again. And so I do, as the little sports car glides into a halt behind me again I notice the radiant girl seated directly behind me…  Well if you count the distance of my front seat to her front seat as right behind then of course she is right behind me.

 

This time however as I crane my neck for a better look it seems as if she is looking at me too, could she really? What in the hell is she seeing? A pathetic dingy looking man barely able to grow facial stubble in a ratty grey suit that seems to look all the more ratty in the morning sun reflecting from her yellow car. My god… is she noticing the pathetic dingy man in his pathetic dingy car that is obviously not a sports car?..  I could swear she is clairvoyant because she smiles this bright white smile at me which seems to say “Hey it could be worse, you could have NO car and NO suit on”. But then the light changes to green again and again I hear  HONK!  

   

I swear up and down to God above that I see even the faint trace of a smile erect on her lips as I hastily slam on the gas. SCREECH! My tires peel out from the sudden burst of life and energy I have given to the engine. Fu*7ing Damnit! Smooth Miller, real smooth. Ugh, I glance back again just in time to see the rear end of her car disappearing as it turns away down the other road. I continue my drive to work and pull into my parking spot yet again but great!…only five minutes late this time.

 

   

 

beeep! beeep! beeep!  UGhhhhhh! I smack my alarm off and with my fantastic luck it flies off of my small unfinished nightstand and thuds into the carpet below. I stare at the simple device lying there, how amusing I think to myself for a few more moments. I curl myself into a ball in a last attempt for my body to soak in what little bit of heat my lumpy bed has retained from my slumber. Finally just as sleep seems to be taking a hold of me again, a thought pops into my head, at first like a small glinting light..but soon it is roaring through every single particle of my being! Like the engine of a small yellow sports car.. and then my mind and eyes are blinded as if staring into the highbeams of a…well of a small yellow sports car!

 

I bound out of bed and embrace the chilly room with a type of Pep that I am not sure I have ever had even in my childhood. I jog down the small hallway adjusting a small brown frame that has hung  crooked for God knows how long. In the frame is a small faded picture of myself and my little brother laying flowers down at our parent’s….well never mind all that. I bound into my cramped little bathroom and begin my routine ALL over. But again, something is different about this morning. I am…excited for once..

 

  1. Brush my teeth

2.Tousle my hair in an attempt of neatness

  1.  Open the fridge to pack lunch. Damn no time, Pastel’s it is.
  2. Remember to grab briefcase.
  3. Greet the bitterly cold March morning.
  4. Start my little grey hatch back.
  5. Jog back inside to grab my coffee
  6. Finally get inside car.
  7. Adjust mirrors.
  8. Turn on heat and hope to it decides to work.
  9. Reverse.
  10. Look right, Look left.
  11. Pull out.
  12. And off we go ladies and gentlemen another day in life.

… 15.) I need to see her again.

 

Giddy with excitement that appalled me, but I’m sure made my outward appearance slightly more appealing perhaps. I was a few minutes later today then I normally would be and in a frightened panic decided to run a red light to make up for lost time. Something tugged at the back of my mind like an old memory being ripped from its long forced slumber, it grows hotter and hotter in my mind till it almost blinds me. I have to address it, that’s what my therapist always told me when I was younger, address the beast and put it to sleep. My family has a pretty bad record when it comes to people not stopping at stop lights…I sigh slowly and evenly, then breathe in deeply and repeat the motions as I turn the corner and find myself looking at “Our Street”, sadly empty and I know for a damn fact she would have been gone by now. Unless if by some strange miracle she was also twelve minutes late. Shit I mutter as my fist beats against the steering wheel. Stopping at the light which has now turned red, I hear a distant noise breaking the early morning silence. From my rearview I see red and blue lights illuminated and the siren is now clear, I pull off to the side the best  I can and watch as an ambulance speeds past. Great…another memory. Any of that happiness has been properly washed from my system, and I pull into my parking spot late again.

 

Three weeks pass without a single sign of that little yellow sports car or the beautiful girl who drives it. And this week, this week I feel absolutely fucking awful. I have gone through two alarm clocks in the past month. The new one isn’t quite as horrid, instead of a high pitched devil screech from hell itself, it plays music! Thank god for small miracles. So as I lay half awake listening to Panic At the Disco, I think the song is “hallelujah” , but I could be wrong…All music seems to sound the same lately, I just feel so blah! Ugh, I clench my teeth and pull my knees up to my chest and in an awkward feat of skill or luck I pull my comforter over my head with just my chin then a quick ducking motion that I believe I learned from watching turtles on Utube..

 

I can’t fall back to sleep and I am far too conscious of the amount of time that is passing around my little nest. I can hear the different songs pass from beginning to end and fade into a new one, but after what I’d say would be nine different songs they all just meld together. Time is passing and I am just staring off into space hoping that my boss won’t even bother calling today and will just fire me. So that I will never have to leave my bed, perhaps I’d start a blog… That would require talent though, wouldn’t  it? Dunno perhaps I could get a job selling things over the phone, ugh. I am now pained by the urge to pee that I’ve been attempting to suppress for the past hour. Slowly I drag myself out of bed and make my way down the hall. All of a sudden it feels the someone is making the room spin rapidly and I can’t catch my balance. I fall smacking my head against the far wall the room grows dark for a little while. When I come to I glance over and see the broken picture frame and a several shards of glass.

“FUCK EVERYTHING!” I scream at the top of my lungs, lashing out at the picture, I feel the sting of the glass and throw my fists into the wall. Chips of drywall fly off and my hands now lay twitching and bleeding by my side. I’m crying harder than I have ever before. My entire body is shaking beneath the racking sobs and heavy breathing.

 

Today is Friday, the sixteenth of May, exactly one week after the breakdown that cost me my job and put me back into therapy. It isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds though, I feel much better and I’m functioning again at a normalish rate.

My little brother has moved back with me for a little while to help me as I get back on my feet. He thinks it is very brave of me to realize that I have a problem and is doing so much to help me put my life back on track.

 

“HEY MILLS!” my brother yells from outside, he’s standing out in the middle of the yard wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a light blue Yale t-shirt.

 

“ WHAT IS IT!?”  finishing my question as while walking outside for the first time since he got here, just a little less than a week ago.

 

“ Do you remember that day when Mom and Dad were going to take us to the beach?”

 

“..yeah..”

 

“And remember how it started raining, but Mom insisted that we still go?”

 

“Haha..yeah I remember, and Dad made us stop at that old hot dog cart once the rain broke?”

 

“ Hahaha”. You know I haven’t had a hotdog since. Those things were gross!” as he said this he turned and looked at me, and at that moment reflected in his face, was everything I wanted to be, to strive for and achieve.

 

Mark is a good looking young man, four years younger than me he managed to grow a full beard but kept it pretty short. His blonde hair was short and wavy, with these piercing blue eyes that I swear gave him a look that made him look like mom at certain instances. He was well built but slim and just gave off this warm glow; he had always done well in school and with women. Yet he had always looked up to me, he always strived to be like me, but I was the one who always seemed to let him down. He moved down to Florida last year with his girlfriend of three years and graduated from Yale a year before that. It was at that moment that I could swear I was going to break again but before I could even think about anything, I saw the most amazing thing… A small little yellow sports car drove down the street and I forgot everything. My mind was moving a hundred miles a minute, I saw who was driving…. And YES! It was her! Before I knew what was happening I was leaping up the steps and grabbed my keys, I was running for my car as I turned to see Mark running behind me and opening up the side door of my car, his face was bright and ready for adventure and I could just hear his laugh over my own thoughts. I loved him, I never even had to explain, it was like he already knew where and what we were about to be doing.  

 

Quickly jumping into the driver’s seat I put it in reverse before either of us even had our seat belts on. I speed out of the development and looking desperately right and left to try to catch a glimpse of yellow. I saw none. My heart sank low, like lower than the Grand Canyon.

“I think I saw it turn right. . . Let’s try that.” Mark said.

He didn’t even know why we’re chasing down the sports car and he didn’t seem to need too. All he wanted was for me to find it, and I could never ask for a more special person in my life.

I turned right and hit the gas, the little grey hatchback roared into life and we sped away as fast as I could go around the curves of the road. We drove for what seemed like an absolute eternity. Now we were just guessing the directions, it would have been safe to say we lost her. I pulled into the nearest parking lot and put the car in park. I gripped the wheel within my hands and felt the worn rubber. I traced my finger slowly over the dash board and felt the collected dust pile on it. I knew Mark was sitting there staring at me, I felt his eyes on me. I felt them burning into my head and he was trying so hard to figure out what was going on inside. But he doesn’t know. He never knew.

“Hey Mills. .um is everything okay?” He asked.

“Don’t Mark.” I said coldly.

“Mills. Why are we just parked here? Shouldn’t we be looking for her?” he pushed forward calmly.

“Mark! You have no idea what you are talking about!” I slammed my fists against the wheel causing it to honk.

“Please do not yell at me Miller, you always yell. Stop shutting me out.” He stayed calm and even though he was clearly angry.

“I don’t need to hear this from you. You of all people. I do not need to hear this.” I said rushed and angry, it felt so damn hot in the fucking car. I had to get out of there, I opened the door and stepped out toward the road.

Mark stepped out of the car too and approached me, I didn’t turn to face him because I had tears streaming down my face. I heard him stop just a few steps away and he was looking at me.

“I need help Mark. . . I need help.” I said in between shuddering sobs.

“I know Miller. That’s what you’ll get. Sit in the back, i’ll drive.” He said as he placed a hand on my shoulder.

 

It’s a month, exactly 30 days since my episode outside the car. Now officially cleared from a peer support group and my therapist. I have begun a regimen of meds to help with my PTSD. That is what it has been officially labeled as, but shit. It could be worse, I feel much better and for the first time I feel good. I returned home today and Mark left a week ago, he really was there for me when I needed him and I could never ask for more. I walked  into my bedroom and sat on my bed. I hadn’t slept in my own bed for awhile. I hadn’t replaced my alarm clock yet, but Mark had shown me how to set an alarm on my phone. I felt something underneath me, I stood up and underneath me there laid a letter.

Dear MIlls,

I hope you find yourself and I know you will. You are and you have

always been my big brother. I love you and even though

it might not always seem like it, you are the one who always kept your shit

together. I would not be here without you. Please know that

and please realize it isn’t always about you. Becky and I are going to have a kid.

You’re going to be an Uncle, I meant to tell you earlier but, well yeah. I’m going to

be a Dad. More than ever I will need you. As soon as I get back I’m asking

Rebecca to marry me, please get yourself well. I will need my big brother standing

beside me as my best man. I love you, Mom and Dad would be proud of us.

  • Mark

P.S. Go get the girl! You’ll need a date!

 

Mark was right, I ran across the room and grabbed my keys, and went to my car. I knew it was a slim chance but I had a plan. I drove to “our” stoplight and waited. After a little while I began to grow discouraged but shook off the feeling and drove to Lil Pastel’s and put the car in park. I changed the radio station and just felt myself melt into the fake leather seats as some rhythmic pop song blared. I have no idea how much time had passed as I must have dozed off for a little bit, I woke up to a Queen song playing and my stomach rumbling. My watch read 6:42 P.M. well now is as good as time as ever to fall back into routine. I turned off my car and walked into the restaurant to be greeted by Papa Kristoff, (expecting a Pastel to run the joint? Me too ha.).

“Miller! I haven’t seen you in quite some time my boy, what has been going on eh? Don’t like pizza anymore? Hahaha!”. The short Russian man erupted into laughter before turning to prepare my usual.

I took my normal seat up by the counter and took out my phone, switching through my four contacts in my phone when the door behind me opened and shut. Papa Kristoff quickly shuffled up to the front to greet whoever had entered.

“Abby! Darling! Staying or going tonight?” he asked.

“Staying Papa, nowhere to be tonight, other than in your company that is..” said the most beautiful voice I had ever heard, (period), her voice was laced in soft sarcasm that intoxicated my entire being.

“Oh Darling Darling! Your usual coming right up!”. Kristoff said turning dark pink and shuffling back to the kitchen.

The girl sat down next to me and I could see from the corner of my eye that she was dressed sharply. Wearing black slacks with a white blouse, her curly brown hair was put up in a messy bun. She just looked like a goddess; the goddess of Lil Pastel’s. Wait no, that’s terrible, God why does my brain even think sometimes! I exhaled I suppose a little bit too loudly because she turned to look at me.

“Um excuse me, sir. . you don’t happen to know who owns that grey hatchback out front do you?” she asked politely almost guardedly.

“Umm yeah. I mean kind of. . . I mean yes. Yes yes, I do actually.” I finally blurted out after properly making a fool of myself, like a school boy being asked to dance at the formal.

“Hahaha, well I don’t mean to come on strong or anything, or seem weird..er than I already do I’m sure. But were you driving to work right down the road some mornings passed?” she asked her eyes wide with excitement and my god I just felt entranced by her.

“Yes actually, I used to work down the road a bit until I had to leave for. . . medical reasons. Why?” I asked, nothing about this made sense, it was all too surreal.

She looked as if she was going to speak but just then Papa Kristoff walked back into the room and handed us each a plate, mine three slices of pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and her two slices of cheese pizza with extra black olives. We ate our food and the three of us chatted for awhile inside the tiny restaurant and we laughed and discussed the weather, travel plans for long overdue vacations and just about everything. Abby went to use the restroom so I squared away my bill and grabbed my coat and headed to the door. I stopped in the doorway however, outside parked right behind my car was a bright yellow sports car. And then everything clicked, it felt like the light bulb clicked on. I spun around to see her walking toward the counter and before I even had time to blurt out my million questions, she grabbed her coat and walked to the door. She stood close.

“You know Mills you’re pretty cool for someone who drives a hatchback, and I wouldn’t mind seeing you again. How about dinner at my place on Friday? Good? Good.” she said as she handed me a napkin with her information scrawled on it and left the door before I even had time to blink.

 

Today is Friday morning and I am getting ready to go on a run, the doctors said it would be good for my mental health to work on my physical health as well. I got up and made my way to my closet and began to get ready.

 

  1. Get out clothes.
  2. Brush teeth.
  3. Set coffee machine on.
  4. Grab water.
  5. Lace shoes.
  6. Grab my MP3.
  7. Step outside and start running.
  8. Date with Abby tonight..

 

P.M. Slater




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Our Fight. Our Lives. Our Planet.

Following the #ParisAgreement that has been in negotiations for the past few weeks and basically the past decade or so. An agreement to lower the world’s average warming. Now many of us probably had no idea that this conference was even occuring let alone cared what the outcome would be. We out far to much time into trivial activities such as watching sports or caring what celebrity is sleeping with whom. But this agreement must happen. Something has to occur for us to wake up and realise we are killing our home. The planet is dying. This deal will effect every single one of us. And accountability must be held to the people in power globally. This is everyone’s fight. Please share this. Please get the word out. Make this fight global.

-P.M.

Truly Written, -P.M.

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My Path to Serenity

A commonly sought goal, one that is blind to ALL race, gender, sexuality, perhaps even to species.. A goal that attracts all walks of life and echoes through all of time a space.

There are those who believe they have found it and live in a utopia, perhaps even going as far to say a ” Heaven on Earth”. Other’s however speak of briefly grasping it and tell tales of all the bliss and carefree times they shared within it.

How am I supposed to attain such a goal? Where do I start looking? When is the “RIGHT TIME?”. Well!? Anyone?

Okay you’re right I may be just talking to myself and tapping my fingers mindlessly across a computer screen in a hope to get even a spark of insight. Hmm. Well I may have found an idea through all of this, Living life the way I want to, Loving the people I want to endlessly and purely, Testing my limits against the everyday norm, Never ever telling myself
” tomorrow..yeah..tomorrow is okay.”.

Today is the day that I begin my path to Serenity, no matter how long the track and how steep the climb. Alea Iacata Est.

© –P.M 7-10-15

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